Kalinka rips the sheet off the concealed robot before the man can finish his introduction.

"...the AACU-3010," he says, completing his train of thought with a little less enthusiasm than when he started. "Damn it, Kalinka. I was literally seconds away from pulling the sheet off. Are you really that impatient?"

"I'm not impatient, Colonel," Kalinka says, circling the AACU-3010 and examining it closely. "I'm just good at my job. If you want me to get anything done today, you should probably spare me the time-wasting theatrics."

"You want ME to spare YOU the theatrics? Didn't you bring a smoke machine to your last AI reveal?"

"I didn't BRING a smoke machine. I installed one in Leon just for the occasion. Same with the light show."

"You WHAT?" the Colonel yells, loud enough to be heard outside the reinforced containment cell that houses the new prototype. Leon, who is waiting just outside the door, turns his head toward the sound.

"Kalinka, you know you aren't authorized to make hardware customizations to our AACUs. That's a huge security violation. We could have you terminated for that."

"Yeah, yeah," Kalinka sighs, leaning over to open the AACU-3010's expansion bay door. "I know the rules. Maybe I'd follow them if Leon actually met the 'C' requirement of the 'AACU' name. You stripped him of all combat functionality before you shipped him down to my lab, so why are you so worried about what I do with him? It's a smoke machine, not a nuke."

"It doesn't matter WHAT you put in him, it matters that you DID it. Don't do it again or your time at this facility is over."

Kalinka stares intently at the innards of the new prototype.

"Man, there's not even an open slot for a smoke machine in this model."

"Are you even listening to me?" the Colonel shouts. Leon's threat detection system perks up for a moment.

"Always, Colonel," Kalinka says, standing up and staring down the robot. "I just don't think it's worth my time to respond to your empty threats. If you want to can me, then go for it, but you'll be losing the most brilliant mind that's ever set foot in this building."

The Colonel looks as though he's about to raise his voice a third time, but instead takes a moment to calm down before speaking again.

"You do some fine work here, Kalinka. I respect everything you've done to automate our troops. Putting bots with your advanced AI in the field has minimized human casualties and given us a significant advantage over them."

"Thank you, Colonel. A little respect is all I ask. Now about this AACU-"

"However," the Colonel interrupts, "you won't always be the best."

She halts her train of thought and glares at the Colonel. "Excuse me?"

"Have you met Thomas Light? He transferred here about six months ago."

Kalinka ponders for a moment.

"Can't say that I have."

"Don't play dumb, Kalinka. You dunked his head in the punch bowl after you got wasted at last year's Christmas party." The Colonel shakes his head in disgust. "He was your biggest fan until you embarrassed him like that. What kind of professional are you, anyway?"

"Get to the point, Colonel. Why am I supposed to care about that kid?"

"He's smart, Kalinka. As smart as you were when you were his age..." the Colonel trails off.

Kalinka continues her glare, waiting for him to finish insulting her. "And?"

He snaps back to reality.

"We're getting old, Kalinka. Just as I'll be stepping down from this position in a few months, someday you'll have to pass the torch to someone younger and brighter as well."

Kalinka whips a screwdriver at the Colonel's head.

"Who are you calling old?! I'm in my fucking prime! Don't bring me down just because you love sponge baths and applesauce more than doing something important with your life! Go ahead and take a nap on your deathbed, but don't expect me to wake you up!"

A small drip of blood trickles out of the Colonel's head. He looks as though he's going to raise his voice again, but instead his face softens and grows tired.

"Kalinka..."

Suddenly, Kalinka hears a sequence of beeps initiate from behind her. She turns around.

"Threat detected."

The AACU-3010 sparks to life and grabs Kalinka's arm.

"What?!" Kalinka screams. "Colonel?! How is it moving? What's going on?"

The Colonel pulls his gun and aims for the robot. It whips its arm around Kalinka's neck and uses her as a shield.

"Do not interfere," the AACU sputters in a monotone voice, "Threat is being handled."

"AACU-3010, stand down! That is not a threat! Abort!" the Colonel commands, unable to get a clear shot.

"Colonel! What the fuck is happening?!" Kalinka screams once more, much louder this time.

Outside the containment cell, Leon hears the scream and rushes to the control panel. He inputs his credentials but is immediately given an "ACCESS DENIED" message.

"Hostage analysis complete. Hostage is unarmed."

"Oh, thank god..." the Colonel sighs in relief. He lowers his gun.

Kalinka tries to catch her breath as she feels its grip begin to loosen. "Colonel...explain...what-"

"Initiating hostage information download sequence."

The AACU grabs her by the neck and pins her to the wall. She stares into its glowing red eye as she tries desperately to breathe. It raises its free hand into the air.

"Left heating element at 10%...20%...30%..."

The Colonel empties his gun into the robot's back to no avail. He throws the gun and rushes toward it. Before his hand can even reach the AACU's shoulder, it swings its left arm into his stomach, sending him flying backward with a burn mark across his uniform.

"...60%...70%...80%..."

Kalinka feels the heat emanating from the robot's arm as it inches closer to her face.

"...90%..."

The containment cell's doors fly open to reveal Leon holding a mess of wires and a smashed keypad.

"Miss Kalinka!" Leon drops the busted parts and rushes the AACU.

"...100%"

Kalinka scream echoes throughout the entire facility as the hot metal sears her face.

"The pain you are experiencing will stop once you provide us with new information. Please-"

Leon rips open the AACU's expansion bay and pulls its hard shutdown switch. The hostile bot collapses along with a now unconscious Kalinka.

the first of what will probably be a series of posts where i talk about the nerd shit i do on my computer to make me more productive (or just feel like a cool hacker)

before touch screens came along, the computer mouse was the great equalizer. no need for complicated keyboard commands or shortcuts, just point and click. but while the mouse empowered me in so many ways (like allowing me to make video games without typing out code), it also made me complacent. lazy.

as a youth, i would occasionally compose my messages not with keys, but by mouse - methodically copying and pasting individual letters from existing on-screen text. it was not efficient, but it did allow me to stay comfortably reclined in my chair.

these days tho, i’m all about efficiency. the keyboard is my ally, not my enemy. i need every last one of those keys helping me carry the burden of productivity.

Aerospace is an “i3-like tiling window manager for macOS”. some of those words mean something to me, but i had to look up “i3” in particular - the tl;dr is that it allows you to organize and navigate your various application windows entirely via keyboard shortcuts. there was a little bit of a learning curve, but now that i have it set up, i'm not sure i can live without it.

if you’re familiar with the concept of “multiple desktops” in macOS, Aerospace acts as a faster alternative that lacks the fancy transition animations. you can switch between workspaces (desktops) by pressing windows can be snapped in a 50/50 split (which macOS can also do natively), but also tiled in any number of arbitrary ways.

tbh i sparingly make use of the “tiling” part^[1], but instead have each of my open apps dedicated to their own full-screen workspace. you can manually shuffle windows around to different workspaces, but you can also configure them to be automatically sent to a specific workspace on open. for example, Alt+O takes me to Obsidian^[2] and Alt+V is VSCodium. you can also force workspaces to open on specific monitors, so when my MacBook is docked at my desk, i have Alt+A/B/C set to my second monitor, Alt+X/Y/Z on my third monitor, and Alt+1/2/3 dedicated to the built-in display. Alt+Tab will bounce your focus back to the last window/workspace you interacted with, optionally sending your mouse cursor along with it^[3]

there’s definitely more cool stuff you can make it do - all of these shortcut are customizable via a single config file and the documentation is pretty good. it's still in beta, however, so expect a little jankiness^[4]

if you aren’t a Mac user but find yourself intrigued by this window manager stuff, you have options! Linux is home to the original i3, which has a number of forks that add their own spin. i personally tried Sway and Regolith. the most polished one i found on Windows was Glaze.

it seems pretty common for these to include some kind of quick app launcher as well, which Aerospace does not, but i’ve been happily using Alfred for a long time^[5] before i even had any idea these things existed. i did set the recommended Alt+Enter shortcut to open my Terminal though, that one can be pretty useful

this is part 3 (of 3) of some self-insert fanfiction i wrote and shared on Facebook in the weeks leading up to the release of Super Smash Bros Ultimate. did you know this is all based on real fictional events? please enjoy

This is it. The moment I've trained so long for. Hours at the firing range with Fox. Sparring with Roy and Marth. Sitting under waterfalls with Ryu. Intensive yoga with Wii Fit Trainer. So many times I offered to aid my best friend Mario on his adventures and so many times he convinced me to stay in the Mushroom Kingdom where it was safe. So many times he risked his life so that I could live a comfortable life without ever having to endure the horrors of war that were just business as usual for him.

Finally, after all this time: I would have a chance to return the favor.

Snake nods to me. I nod in return. In perfect sync we both swivel from having our backs against the sides of the door to standing just inside the supply closet, guns drawn and ready to fight.

I was not prepared for the scene inside this supply closet. The first thing my brain is able to process is the massive, dragon-like, space pirate Ridley seemingly pointing in my direction before it lets out a horrible screech.

"Hey, can someone pass Ridley the beer nuts?"

The sheer horror of Ridley's presence wanes somewhat as King K. Rool slides a bowl of assorted nuts across the poker table and in front of the beast. Ridley daintily picks up a single peanut with his razor-sharp claw and pops it into his huge jaw.

"Now, what's so important that you dinguses felt the need to barge in and interrupt our poker night?"

My eyes finally travel away from Ridley (which seems as though it would be a death sentence in any other scenario) and I find Dark Pit standing on the chair next to him, obviously waiting for an answer to his question but likely to be just as pissed no matter the answer. A number of other great villains are seated at the table: Bowser, King Dedede and Ganondorf. They also don't seem especially happy about our surprise visit.

"Ah, Dark Pit..." Snake says, lowering his weapon. "Good to see you. Maybe you can give us some directions."

"HEY!" (Non-Dark) Pit screams, finally picking himself off the floor after apparently knocking himself unconscious for a moment after his tumble through the door. "He's not going to give you directions! He's the EVIL one, remember?? We talked about this???"

Snake looks to me for confirmation via my extensive knowledge of video game character moral alignments.

"Pit is to Dark Pit as Sonic is to Shadow." I state solemnly.

Snake looks back to the room. "Right. So Dark Pit is the good one." Pit faceplants on the floor for what is now the third time today (that we know of).

I turn back to the assortment of poker-playing evil. "We've Come for death!" I shout, my voice trembling slightly as Ridley decimates the entire bowl of beer nuts (including the bowl itself). A few bits of ceramic cascade from his ferocious maw.

"You've come for...death?" Dark Pit repeats. "You know there are easier ways to die than tracking the location of Dracula's teleporting castle, entering said castle, and interrupting the villainous poker night he so graciously hosts every other Tuesday, right?"

"I um...." I stutter meekly, now hiding behind the safety of Snake's tight ass. "I may have emphasized the wrong word there....we've come for Death."

"Oh, that makes....slightly more sense...." Dark Pit sighs, realizing he just lost his excuse to royally fuck me up. He drops back down into his chair and picks up his hand of cards. "Who's deal is it?"

Bowser deftly swipes up the cards scattered across the table and shuffles them between his meaty claws before dealing a hand out to each seat at the table. He has obviously done this before.

"So is Death nearby?" Snake asks, anxious to move things along. He pulls out his Nikita missile launcher and points it at the poker table. "If not, I'm sure a pile of bodies would draw his attention."

Dark Pit shakes his head, looking exhausted. "Look man, we're just trying to enjoy a night off from villainy and play a nice, quiet-" Ridley suddenly interrupts with another horrible screech. "DUDE, can you chill for like two seconds? I'll ask a skeleton butler to get you more fucking beer nuts as soon as I tell the three stooges over here to get the hell out."

Ridley nods and emits a defeated chirp. Dark Pit takes a deep breath and composes himself before continuing his speech.

"Ahem...as I was saying...we're just trying to play a round of poker in peace. Death USED to play with us, but we kicked him out after we caught him cheating."

Dedede opens his mouth and makes just the most horrible sound. Maybe worse than Ridley's screeches. I can only assume he's always sounded like that but for some reason it only really hits me just now, almost as though I couldn't remember if he was able to canonically speak English so I had to look up a Youtube video to refresh my memory. It sucks real bad and makes me very upset.

"Alright, alright," Dark Pit responds to Dedede's awful devil speak, apparently understanding it perfectly. "We didn't kick him out. We just lied and told him we were skipping this week. That's why we're crammed into this dinky supply closet instead of chillin' in Dracula's sick game room."

Snake lowers his missile launcher a bit. "Okay, so where is Death now?"

Dark Pit knocks on the table, obviously ignoring Snake's question. "I check." Bowser reveals a Royal Flush and begins raking in poker chips from the center of the table. Ganondorf, using his psychic abilities or something (I don't really know what Ganondorf's whole deal is) and detecting that Bowser had used the confusion of our presence to cheat, jumps out of his seat.

With a powerful shout (not as bad as Ridley or Dedede, but still unpleasant to the ears), he lifts his leg high into the air and drops it down on the table, snapping it in half. Chips and cards scatter as the scene erupts into an all-out Brawl. Surely a sight to be seen, all of these once Brothers suddenly Smashing each other with their most powerful attacks. I've seen some pretty Super fights in the past, but with the inclusion of King K. Rool and Ridley, this is certainly the most Ultimate one I've witnessed.

Dark Pit weaves deftly through the chaos of the Melee and begins walking toward us. Pit jumps in front of him and yells, "Stay away from my friends!" Dark Pit places a single hand on Pit's face and pushes him to the ground for the....I forget how many times now.

"Look," Dark Pit starts, already looking defeated. "Y'all have caused enough trouble already...if I tell you where Death is, will you please just get the hell out and leave me alone?"

"Luigi? Oh, I let that poor lad leave about an hour ago."

Snake, Pit, and I sit in Dracula's library, in the presence of Death. He offers us a cup of tea which we all politely (but also fearfully) refuse.

"Let...leave?" I wonder out loud. By Mario's reaction it seemed pretty clear that Luigi was very dead.

"Oh yes...it was all just a terrible misunderstanding, to which I am quite sorry about," Death continues, sipping his tea. "I seem to have mistaken the green boy for someone more deserving of my cold embrace."

We collectively gulp at Death's words, wondering who's soul he had intended to reap.

"Not one of us, I hope! Hahahahahahahah...ah...." Snake and I both stare daggers at Pit for prodding further.

"Oh my, no. You still have....some....time left. No, no, I was looking for a...." Death checks what appears to be the Notes app on his iPhone. "Wall iguana? Damn autocorrect! See, this is why my reaping has been so inaccurate recently!"

Once again calling upon my encyclopedic knowledge of video game trivia, I venture a guess: "Could you be looking for Waluigi?"

Death cackles and a chill runs down my spine. "Oh, yes!" he shouts, slowly typing the correction into his phone. "That's the one! Waluigi! That horrid man has been on my todo list since he first joined the tennis circuit. I can't believe I mistook that nice young plumber for the heinous war criminal Waluigi."

"So, you mentioned letting Luigi go...." Snake interjects, hoping to gather more intel while Death is in a good mood. "He's not dead then?"

"Oh, not anymore! I straightened out his mortal coil and fed it right back into his corpse. Took some time, too! You ever have a hoodie where the drawstring has come out and you have to feed it back through? Un-harvesting a soul is kind of like that."

Snake stares blankly at Death, either contemplating his own mortality or just trying to wrap his head around the analogy, having never owned a hoodie before. After a moment, he turns to me and gives a thumbs up: "Mission complete?"

I stare as well, definitely contemplating my own mortality, but also wondering if it would be pushing it to ask Death to re-thread the drawstring of my favorite hoodie....no, perhaps another time.

I turn back to Snake and smile.

"Mission complete!"

this is part 1 (of 3) of some self-insert fanfiction i wrote and shared on Facebook in the weeks leading up to the release of Super Smash Bros Ultimate. i have not historically written fanfiction nor would i consider myself that big of a Smash Bros "fan". please enjoy

It's a warm, sunny day in Mushroom Kingdom. As I walk up to Mario's modest shack on the outskirts of civilization, I recall the myriad tales of his great adventures told to me by his fans over the years.

"Surely," I think to myself, "a man of such renown could afford to live in something a little less ramshackle."

I knock a few times and wait to hear the squeak of his old Jump Boots as he walks to greet me. After a few moments of silence, I assume he isn't home and take a seat on the porch steps. I open the cooler I had dragged along and pop the top on an ice cold Chuckola Cola to enjoy while I wait for his return.

"I wonder where he's run off to? I sure hope the princess didn't get kidnapped again."

A few minutes pass and my worry starts to grow. I play a few rounds of Dr. Mario on my phone, which is oddly comforting.

"I don't have to worry too much," I laugh to myself. "He is a doctor after all!"

After a particularly good round of Dr. Mario (I'm ranked #3 on the leaderboard, only after Peach and Bowser Jr.), I stand up to have a stretch. I close my eyes and take a deep breath of that good, good Mushroom Kingdom air, feeling energized and ready for our planned day at Cheep Cheep Beach. When I opened my eyes, however, I felt all the positive beach vibes drain from my body at the mere sight of my best friend Mario's panicked sprint down the road.

While I could sense his distress from afar, nothing could have prepared me for seeing him up close. Tears in his eyes. Overalls soaked in sweat. I had never seen Mario cry before. I had never seen Mario sweat before. The most fearless plumber I know, capable of fixing any leak, was seemingly unable to control the most important leaks of all: the leaks of oneself.

I drop my half-drank Chuckola Cola to the ground; it shatters behind me as I run to meet my distressed friend.

I catch his gloved hand, moist with sweat, just as he collapses to his knees. I take a knee before him, trying to match his stature.

"Mario?" I ask, a tremble in my voice. "Mario, what happened? Is it Peach? Did she get kidnapped again?"

Amongst Mario's labored breathing, I can hear failed attempts to make the words happen. His head remains turned down toward the dirt, unable to muster the strength to provide me a direct answer. He weakly shakes it left to right, indicating that the Princess is safe.

"No? Was it....did Bowser get kidnapped, then? I know you two have something of a rivalry, but deep down you really care about each other. Frienemies, if you will."

Mario shakes his head again, with slightly more energy this time. I can tell he's starting to catch his breath.

"It's okay, Mario. Whatever happened, I'm sure you'll be able to save the day. You always do. Goombas, Koopas, Boos, Bullet Bills....ain't nothin' the Great Hero of the Mushroom Kingdom can't handle. I bet you could look Death itself right in the eye and not show the least bit of concern!"

Just then, Mario reaches up with his left hand and grabs my shoulder. "No," he coughs, his breathing still a bit labored. "Not-a Death."

His quiet, weak words shake me to my core. "Mario?" I sputter meekly.

After what felt like an eternity, he finally looks up at me, his face red and swollen from crying. His mustache, a disheveled mess. I stare deep into Mario's giant blue eyes, acutely aware that these same eyes had witnessed something truly terrible that day. Something uniquely horrible, something even the myriad tales of this man's great adventures I had been told over the years could not have prepared me for. Mario had battled so many great evils and emerged victorious so many times, but even never for a moment did his one of his adventures take a turn like this.

"It's-a Luigi," Mario sputters out, tears beginning to well up once again. "My brother, he's-a fucking dead!"

along with anyone starting in gamedev comes that first overscoped idea that will never actually exist. mine was Project Tumbleweed, a post-apocalyptic platformer about a cowboy robot that could scavenge parts to upgrade his abilities. i'd later work on a scoped-down jam game based on this premise (Rough & Tumble), but otherwise there's little left of the original concept. what follows is part one (of 5) of a "writing exercise" i did back in 2013 to establish the characters and stakes of Project Tumbleweed. i apologize in advance for all the placeholder Mega Man reference names.

"Hello. My name is Leon. It is wonderful to finally meet you, Dr. Cossack."

The humanoid robot stretches its arm out to greet its new user with a formal handshake.

"A handshake? No, that just won't do."

Dr. Cossack throws her arms around her latest creation and greets him with a warm hug.

"Your affection is appreciated, Dr. Cossack," Leon says, re-positioning his arms to match hers.

"Please," she says, "call me Kalinka."

"Of course. It is wonderful to finally meet you, Kalinka."

Kalinka pulls away from Leon and begins pacing around him.

"It's wonderful to finally meet you, Leon. You're feeling well, yes? No red flags popping up in your boot logs? All system processes allocating memory efficiently? No trouble locating speech cues?"

Leon's single green eye blinks rapidly as it processes her queries.

"No abnormalities found in boot logs. All processes are operating within appropriate ranges. The collective noun for a group of ferrets is a 'business' of ferrets."

Kalinka stares blankly at Leon for a moment, then starts laughing.

"A business of ferrets!" she shouts. "Can you imagine? They'd have to wear such long suits! Oh, it would be so cute."

After a few minutes of hysterical laughter, she catches her breath.

"Ahem...just so we're clear, Leon, your speech cues ARE being located without issue, correct?"

"Affirmative. My comment about ferrets was made in jest. My intent was to mislead you by generating a completely irrelevant speech cue in lieu of the true response. I was simply creating a humorous scenario for your enjoyment."

"Leon," Kalinka sighs, "please lower the verbosity level of your humor module. It really ruins the joke when you explain it afterwards..."

"Humor verbosity set to 2. I will no longer cheapen your jokes with my lack of subtlety. However, turning debug mode off for this module does create a risk for the dispense of flawed information. Please exercise caution when taking my advice in the future, as I may dispense humor without warning."

Kalinka smiles.

"I enjoy your flaws, Leon. It makes you more human."

i originally wrote this sometime in June 2014, then ported it over to my Medium blog a few months later. the content is largely unedited, aside from some minor fixing of broken links (when possible), adding alt text for images, and any footnotes (which can be thought of as modern "commentary" exclusive to this reposting)

While the recent resurgence of Humongous Entertainment's back catalog on Steam got on my radar some months ago, my excitement quickly waned when I realized that my childhood favorite, Putt-Putt Goes to the Moon, was not yet available for purchase. Last night, however, when Leigh Alexander pointed out^[1] that Spy Fox (another Humongous series) was available on iOS, I immediately lunged for my iPad and tapped "putt” into the App Store's search bar and hoped for the best.

After a few misses thanks to my lazy search habits (no shortage of minigolf games on iOS btw), I found the hits: Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo, Putt-Putt Travels Through Time, Putt-Putt Joins the Circus, and Putt-Putt's Fun House.

But wait, where's Goes to the Moon?!

Despite the absence of my one true love, I kept an open mind and gave Saves the Zoo a shot. There was a free version after all, so it wasn't like I'd be out any cash if it didn't live up to Goes to the Moon's legacy.

Saves the Zoo doesn't exactly start with a BANG like Goes to the Moon does (literally, it begins with Putt-Putt driving to a fireworks factory) and the plot isn't quite as riveting (searching for baby animals vs GETTING STRANDED ON THE MOON AND HAVING TO FIND A WAY BACK), but the charm of all the goofy voice acting and classic adventure game art still managed to pull me in. At some point between the "Topiary Creatures” musical number and the end of the demo, I submitted to the fact that I would end up paying the $3 in-app purchase for the full version.^[2]

An hour later, as I watched the credits roll, I reflected on my experience and wondered how this game for kids (oh god) 3–8 managed to captivate me long enough to see it through when few (non-children's) games I've played recently^[3] have managed to do the same. Here are some of my thoughts:

In the world of Putt-Putt, everything is interactive

From the obvious (signs, characters, obvious inventory items) to the minutia (rocks, trees, puddles), you can touch basically anything and it will react with a cartoon-y animation (often with assorted critters involved, at least in the case of Saves the Zoo). I went to (Car)town tapping everything in sight and continued to be surprised when I would tap something totally insignificant, daring the game to react.

The core gameplay emphasizes exploration and memorization skills

Rather than invent some off-the-wall puzzle solutions that point-and-click adventures are notorious for, the game uses a simple "lock-and-key” approach. Once you've explored each section of the zoo and picked up all the required items, the puzzles are pretty trivial (for an adult, anyway), but the fact that you're guaranteed to only see halves of solutions before obtaining the other halves meant that each solution was allowed breathing room for an "aha!” moment.

"Oh no, an avalanche! Guess I'll come back later…”

"A shovel? Oh! I know where I could use this!”

This approach is just clever enough to make the player feel clever, rather than force them to try and figure out what the developer's train of thought was for each puzzle.

Mini-games keep it fresh

While I quickly became exhausted with the two available in Saves the Zoo, some of my most standout memories from Goes to the Moon are from the mini-games sprinkled about. While the core gameplay never gets so frustrating that you need a break, it's still nice to rest your brain and do something a little more action-oriented (like playing ice hockey with a polar bear).

Playing Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo when I did was kind of a random thing and, after I finished, I was worried that I had wasted an hour of (potential) productivity on it. After thinking about it a bit more, though, the timing couldn't have been more perfect. After releasing Shipshape on Monday, Putt-Putt helped me travel back in time to a place where I could lose hours on simpler games and not feel bad about it. Even though the total start-to-finish playtime probably isn't much more than an hour for any game in the series, I found myself rapt by the little things and spent several hours (across many playthroughs) smelling the (singing) roses. These are the types of feelings that should inform Shipshape's design.^[4]

As I get older, I may not be able to appreciate things in the same way I did as a child. No longer do I have the illusion of unlimited time, lack of responsibility, and boundless sense of wonder (that makes even the most unassuming puddle worth clicking) that I did as a child. It's a little sad for me to come to terms with, but it doesn't mean I can't strive to create magical experiences like Putt-Putt for future generations that still have all those things.^[5]

PS: The iOS ports seem like a really great way to play the games (especially for your child), as the touch interface is super intuitive and makes poking around the scenery even more fun. It's also worth noting that the "paywall” you hit in the free versions asks the player to solve some math problems^[6] in order to even have the option to purchase the full game IAP, which is pretty cool. It's not a perfect solution, but it's nice to know that they at least thought to put in some sort of safeguard against unwanted spending.

PPS: Goes to the Moon is NOT on iOS, which is unacceptable, because I still think it was a more substantial game (even though it was actually an earlier release than Saves the Zoo). I may very well buy it on Steam now that it's finally available and maybe stream it on Twitch at some point in the near future (so you can all judge me when I tear up during Rover's story).^[7] UPDATE 8/31/15: Putt-Putt Goes to the Moon is finally available on iOS! Buy it now!

PPPS: In the course of writing this, I found out that you can play a demo of Putt-Putt Goes to the Moon in your web browser. I highly recommend trying it out.

PPPPS: LAST THING I SWEAR: I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Putt-Putt Saves the Stew, which was directly inspired by Saves the Zoo. It's a fan game created entirely by a five year old (well, his dad coded it, but he did everything else) and it's adorably bizarre.^[8]

Kalinka breaks her long stare into the computer monitor. She closes her eyes and presses a hand hard against them for a moment, then slides her hand slowly down the length of the scar that the AACU-3010 left on her face almost a month earlier.

"Leon," Kalinka whispers raspily, "I thought I disabled wellness reminders yesterday. Why are you still making them?"

"You have not yet disabled the 'Poor Judgment' module that prevents you from disabling important system functions. Would you like to disable this module?"

Kalinka turns her chair around and frowns at Leon. She thinks for a minute before responding.

"No. Don't disable the judgment module...but snooze that wellness reminder until tomorrow."

Kalinka stands up for the first time in several hours and almost immediately collapses. Leon just barely catches her before she hits the ground.

"Miss Kalinka, it has been 18 hours since you last ate. For the sake of your health-"

"Snooze."

Kalinka slowly climbs out of Leon's arms and holds on to his shoulder until her legs stop shaking. She reconsiders Leon's reminder.

"...we don't have any meal pills left, do we?"

"No. Your supply has been exhausted."

"And there haven't been any deliveries?"

"No. You have been blacklisted from receiving supply orders. The Colonel will not allocate any further resources to our department until you remove yourself from lockdown and give him a status update in person."

Kalinka's stomach unleashes a monstrous growl. She puts her hand to it and closes her eyes. She sighs deeply.

"...ask him if he'll settle for a phone call. If he says no, tell him to just start cutting through the lab doors now so he can dispose of my corpse before it stinks up the place."

"Just what in the hell are you doing down there, Kalinka?! You aren't just closing up shop for the night when you hit that button, you're locking the goddamn prison cell and throwing away the key! I know you like to turn everything you do into a big fucking production, but didn't you and Leon cause enough trouble when you escaped the medical branch? The damages there alone are enough to put a solid dent in your hefty drinking budget, but add in the costs of resetting this lockdown and it's no wonder you're afraid to come out. If I were stupid enough to be where you are right now, I'd think rotting in that lab would be the best option, too! Jesus, you don't even have the decency to show your face, even on video..."

Kalinka stares blankly at the Colonel's furious face on her monitor while he continues to scold the placeholder picture of a business casual ferret on his monitor. After about 10 minutes of yelling, the Colonel finally pauses.

"Are you even there?"

"Yes."

The Colonel realizes this is the first time he's heard her voice in over two weeks. He softens slightly.

"...how are you feeling, Kalinka?"

"Hungry."

"You know I don't want you to starve down there. If you just come out..."

"I won't."

The softness quickly subsides.

"Really? You'd rather starve than own up to what you've done? For god's sake, Kalinka, I know you're stubborn, but this-"

"Own up to what I'VE done?"

The sudden change of tone in her voice catches him off guard. "Sorry?"

"You want ME to own up. That's funny. Don't you have anything to own up to?"

"What are you talking about, Kalinka?"

"You never told me what happened that day. The day of the accident. The day the 3010 attacked me."

"It was a bug, Kalinka. We worked it out. I'm sorry you were injured, but you were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time..."

"A bug? Fuck you, Colonel. Don't patronize me."

The Colonel slams a fist down on his desk.

"How dare you speak to your superior like that? Show some fucking respect, Doctor."

"Why should I? It goes both ways, SIR. Maybe if you respected me enough to tell me why that AACU was loaded with an AI program BEFORE it hit my lab, I'd respect you enough not to tell you to go fuck yourself."

The Colonel looks away from the screen. He hesitates.

"It was just one of your old programs, Kalinka. The AACU-3010 wasn't a whole new machine, it was just a weaponized version of the AACU-3000. Why do you think it looked so much like Leon? You know that the guys down in weapons development have admin rights to all-"

"Stop. Stop lying. Do you really think I'm stupid enough to believe any of the bullshit you're trying to feed me right now? I'm the most brilliant mind in this entire fucking building...no, in this entire fucking COUNTRY. I may not know what the truth is, but I sure as hell know what it ISN'T. I know the 3010 didn't have my AI installed. Even if it was born from the same mold as Leon, it wasn't just some spare you pulled out of the storage cage. We don't weaponize models that have already been activated. It's a safety hazard. There's too much risk that reflashing their firmware will compromise the integrity of their systems."

"Exactly. You know that, I know that, but one of the young punks in R&D didn't. He-"

"Shut up. That's not what happened. The weaponized version of the 3000 was built recently. I saw what it was made of. Those were bleeding edge chipsets inside that machine. Not the underpowered stuff that we were using six months ago when Leon was built. The 3010 was built no more than a week before you showed it to me. I never laid a finger on it until that day. The AI was programmed by someone else."

The Colonel stares hard into the monitor, trying to formulate a tactful response.

"...you've been holed up in that lab for too long. Your imagination is running wild. Please, come out and we can-"

"Can what? Kill me? Finish what the 3010 started?"

"Kalinka!"

"NO! Don't you DARE call me by my first name anymore! Don't talk to me like you're my friend! Don't talk to me like I can trust you!"

"You can trust me."

"No. I can't. I can't trust you. You took me into that room. You locked me in there with that THING. I could have been fucking KILLED."

"I was locked in that room with you, Kalinka. I was in just as much danger as you were."

"Were you? Were you really? Remember when you got knocked back by the 3010? Remember when it seared your chest?"

"Of course. I was rushed to the burn ward, just like you."

"Liar. Do you think I was so focused on the 3010 that I wouldn't notice? It didn't even reach your skin."

The Colonel feels a drop of sweat drip from his forehead. He tries to think of some way to recover from his obvious lie. He has nothing.

"Just as planned, right?" Kalinka continues on. "Empty your gun to make it look like you're trying to save me, giving the 3010 just enough time to heat up a little. Just a little, though. No more than that shitty old hotplate in the staff kitchen. That way, you get a convincing little mark on your uniform. A little participation medal, if you will. A medal that says 'Hey, I tried'. I don't get a fucking medal, though. I don't come out of it a hero. Hell, I don't come out of it at all. At least that's what you hoped. But that's not what happened, is it? No, I did come out of it. I came out of it with a fucking hideous scar on my face. A reminder that I was attacked by something I helped bring into this world. I bet you thought that would suffice, huh? Humble me a bit? Tame me? Make me more like the other cogs in your machine? I bet that's why you didn't just pull the plug while I was unconscious. Thought you'd sleep better at night knowing I was still walking around, right? Well, guess what? I AM still walking around, but I'm not the soulless husk you thought I'd be. You can go right ahead and pretend I'm not around anymore. Use these machines as weapons of mass destruction rather than allow me to continue developing AI that actually SAVES lives. Let that hack Light butcher my code and make more killing machines like that 3010. When you're all done nuking each other up there, I'll crawl out of my hole like the fucking cockroach you obviously think I am. And if I starve before then..."

The Colonel's screen flashes and the business ferret is replaced by a live video feed. Kalinka's cold stare pierces right through the screen, tears rolling down the length of her scar.

"...then at least I won't have to live in a world where people like YOU call the shots."

for the better part of a decade i thought the four "tumbleweed prologue" writing exercises were lost to time. it wasn't until sometime in 2022 that i recovered them and realized that they kind of left on a bit of a cliffhanger (intentional, i guess, as the game would pick up from there). this fifth and final part was written to give Kalinka a more fitting exit from the story so far and i suppose act as something of an "opening cutscene" for this game that will probably never exist.

"Hello. My name is Tumbleweed. It is wonderful to finally meet you, $ADMIN."

The humanoid robot stretches both arms out, as if prepared for a hug. It holds this position for a few seconds before realizing there's nobody around.

"Greetings retracted," Tumbleweed says, resting their arms. "My administrator doesn't seem to be present. Strange. There is no protocol for this."

Expressing about as much confusion as a robot can, Tumbleweed scans their surroundings. They appear to be standing in a fairly dilapidated building - almost bunker-like in design? Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like this "bunker" held up very well. Bullet holes line the scorched walls, with sparse furnishings toppled over and similarly burned up. Tumbleweed kneels down and shuffles through the ashes of what were likely paper documents around the floor. There seems to be little of value left. As they stand up and turn around, their threat sensors fire off at the sight of another humanoid figure.

"Identify yourself!" Tumbleweed shouts, instinctively grabbing a revolver from their hip and aims directly at the unknown threat, who appears similarly ready for a shootout. After a moment of hesitation, Tumbleweed fully processes the situation and lowers their gun. "A mirror?"

Through a hole in the wall, they find a relatively clean and functional AACU maintenance chamber with a mirror crudely duct-taped to the rear wall. Obviously, this is where Tumbleweed was being stored until someone......something? Booted them back up.

"What's this?"

Tumbleweed tugs at an envelope duct-taped to their chest (in a similarly crude manner). Whoever put it there used a LOT of tape. It requires a bit more dexterity to remove than their blocky robot fingers really have to offer, but after a few minutes of fumbling it finally comes off.

"To Leon," they read aloud from the front of the envelope, though not in their own voice. In stark contrast to their typically dry and synthesized speech, this voice sounds warm and human. "An audio clip? Where did that come from? Who is Leon? Why am I asking so many questions?"

A sound clip of generic audience laughter rumbles out of their speaker. "Introspective humor pointing out the absurdity of a supercomputer being confused."

The robot stands in silence for a moment, as though waiting for a reaction from someone. They proceed to open the envelope and read the printout inside.

Tumbleweed pauses for a moment to return the gun to its holster and stare into the mirror. "Regret. I regret being so quick to unholster my firearm. I will be more mindful next time."

They shift their attention back to the printout.

An unfamiliar sensation washes over Tumbleweed as they reach the bottom of the letter. Seeing Kalinka's name seems to make them "remember" more about her. This "feeling" of sadness is a bit overwhelming after only being online for a few minutes.

"The collective noun for a group of owls is a 'parliament' of owls," Tumbleweed says, seemingly out of nowhere. "Callback humor deployed to encourage positivity in the face of hardship."

The sensation subsides, at least enough to allow them to finish reading the letter.

The robot complies with her request and the remaining sadness is lifted by this final remark. After tucking the letter safely away, they step out of the chamber and pick a large panel up off the floor. The panel neatly slots into the wall it separated from, once again concealing Tumbleweed's maintenance chamber with the charred metal. They scan the ruined laboratory once more before turning toward the exit.

"Miss Kalinka.....I hope you are still alive."

this is part 2 (of 3) of some self-insert fanfiction i wrote and shared on Facebook in the weeks leading up to the release of Super Smash Bros Ultimate. i have not historically written fanfiction nor would i consider myself that big of a Smash Bros "fan"...but i do love Kid Icarus. please enjoy

"This is Snake. We've successfully infiltrated the castle."

Solid Snake looks back to me as he waits for Otakon to respond. I give him a thumbs up to show that I'm doing alright and we continue moving forward.

"Great work, Snake!" Otakon chimes back through the codec channel. "Did you have much trouble getting in?"

"Not really. I had to CQC a couple of skeletons before we found an opening into the ventilation system but now we're crawling through the ducts. Are we getting close to the target?"

As Snake talks to Otakon, I take a moment to appreciate his immaculately sculpted rear. It's truly awe inspiring to be so up close and personal with it as we continue to crawl forward.

"Sorry...did you say 'ventilation system'?" Otakon says with some disbelief in his voice. "Snake...I don't think Dracula's castle has a ventilation system."

"Are you looking at an up-to-date map?" Snake scoffs.

Snake's skin-tight sneaking suit keeps him almost dead silent as he moves. It allows him to sneak right up behind his enemies and take them out without ever taking notice. Quiet as he may be to the foes at his front, however, there are few things louder than catching a glimpse of Snake's behind.

"Well, this one is from GameFAQs and last updated in 2000...but my intel tells me that this is the Symphony of the Night era castle so I wouldn't expect many deviations from the original blueprints."

"Well, we're definitely inside an air vent, so..."

Much like a real snake, Snake's rhythmic side-to-side movement is mesmerizing. Unlike a real snake, however, he's got a butt that just won't quit.

"A lot of games are getting ground-up remasters these days, Snake. I wonder if the castle was updated to have vents so it would better appeal to an audience of gamers who are used to being able to sneak around in vents in modern games? I prefer my classics untouched, however..."

"Focus, Otakon. Are we near the target yet?" Goddamn, that ass is fine.

"Wait! Stop crawling, Snake, it's gonna-"

Before Otakon can complete his warning, there's a loud creak, followed by the unfortunate loss of Snake's perfect behind from my gaze as the shaft gives out under his weight and he drops from the ceiling. I shuffle to the edge of the open shaft to make sure he's alright.

"Oh no," I whisper to myself (and Otakon, via our group codec call). "Snake has fallen into Pit!" "What?!" Otakon yells, "Snake has fallen into a pit?? No...Snake.....SNAKE.....SNAAAAAA-" "Calm the hell down, Otakon" Snake grunts, interrupting Otakon's weird mourning process. "I didn't fall into A pit, I fell into The Pit."

Snake picks himself off the ground and dusts himself off. Cartoonishly flattened facedown on the floor beneath him is none other than the flightless angel, Pit. I drop deftly from the ventilation shaft (doing a really sweet backflip midway through my descent) and land at Snake's side. We appear to have landed in some ornate hallway in the depths of Dracula's castle, surrounded by creepy old paintings and ancient, dusty furniture. Snake and I each peel one of Pit's flattened legs off the floor and pull until he finally pops back into 3D space. He floats for a moment before we finally let go of his legs and he drops back to the floor. The impact seems to quickly restore his consciousness.

"Ouch! My head! And the rest of my body, too!" the young boy screams as he rolls over, reaching for his bow and arrow. "Don't think I'll let you demons get the jump on me!"

Snake picks up the bow before Pit can grab it. Pit looks up at Snake, angry at first, then relieved that he's in the company of friends, then angry again when Snake suddenly tosses the bow up on top of a nearby armoire and continues walking.

"Hey!" Pit yells as he picks himself off the floor and runs to the armoire, "Jerk move! I thought we were friends!"

"There are no friends on the battlefield, kid. Only allies and enemies. Also, I couldn't remember if you were the evil one or if that was Dark Pit. Better safe than sorry." Snake peeks down the length of the hallway, assessing potential threats.

"Come on! His name is literally DARK Pit! He's obviously the evil one!" the short (and once again, flightless) angel barks as he hops up and down in front of the armoire, reaching desperately for his bow. "What are you guys doing here, anyway?"

Both Snake and I look down at the floor, solemnly. After a moment of silence, I speak: "Didn't you hear the news, Pit? Luigi is....no longer with us."

Pit stops jumping for a moment and stares blankly at me as he tries to process this information. "What...but Luigi....he's a gamer. He can't NOT have a life, he has many! We all do!"

I put a hand on his shoulder. "True, my friend, but the big Game Over comes for us all eventually. I heard it straight from Mario...apparently Luigi was struck down by Death himself."

Wiping away the tears beginning to well in his eyes, Pit's expression turns to one of conviction. "Alright then! So our mission is to take down Death! Just let me get my bow down and I'll join you in avenging Luigi's death!"

Snake, completely ignoring Pit, returns to his codec call. "Otakon, the shaft broke so we're on foot now. No enemies in sight yet. Let me know when you have a lock on our target."

Unaware that Snake is talking to someone else, Pit responds: "Oh, so that's where you guys fell from! No wonder it broke, Dracula probably had his demon lackeys install it...such a bad idea! You should always hire a licensed professional. One time, Lady Palutena asked me to paint a fence for her and I got bored, so I hired a Monoeye to finish it for me. It did a lousy job! Never even picked up a paint brush, just floated there for hours watching paint dry! These demons, I tell ya..."

Totally ignoring Pit's rant, Snake had already begun moving deeper into the castle.

"Come on, Pit, we're falling behind!" I say as I kick the armoire, knocking the bow down and running after Snake. It bounces off his head before he catches it and starts following in a huff.

"Snake, I'm detecting a number of large heat signatures behind that door!"

I catch up to Snake and turn to the door Otakon seemed to be referencing. A sign clearly labeled "SUPPLY CLOSET - CLEANING STAFF ONLY" hangs from the center of the door. Snake stares blankly.

"Okay, well....we'll just avoid that room, I guess. This is a sneaking mission after all. No need for extraneous encounters."

Pit skids to a halt behind us; his breathing labored from all the running he just had to do. It really is a shame he can't fly on his own free will. As Snake and I step aside to give him some space, he looks up to see the supply closet door we were pondering a moment ago.

"Is this Dracula's room?? Finally! Let's go kick his butt!"

Snake's eyes widen as he realizes what's about to happen. "Wait, kid, can't you read the sign??"

Pit looks up to Snake and smiles before yelling, almost as a sort of battlecry: "I never learned how to read!"

Both Snake and I look on in horror as Pit body slams the door and rolls into the supply closet, ready to take on the unknown forces within.

i actually wrote this in like late January, but found myself so disenchanted with every blogging framework i tried that i ended up making my own. this site is proudly powered by Bimbo.

like many others who were lucky enough to feel the brief light of Cohost.org^[1] shine upon them and/or are just Old and used to make websites on Angelfire^[2], i have decided to make my grand return to blogging

if you don't already count yourself amongst my thousands of adoring fans, you can visit the about page to learn more about my Accomplishments and Affiliations. the tl;dr is that i'm a trans game designer/programmer/writer. if you want to play some of the games i've made, here are a few i'd recommend:

• Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure Adventure - a Bitsy approximation of the experience of playing Unviersal Studios Theme Parks Adventure (a 2001 GameCube game which approximates the Unviersal Studios Theme Parks experience^[3])

• a good videogame - created for Manifesto Jam 2022, i wrote this in like an hour at 3am and then decided i needed to spend the next two days making an interactive wrapper for it. someday i hope to follow it up with "a good sequel"

• Gexfeld - have i mentioned my weird obsession with forsaken 90s videogame lizard Gex? well, if you don't already know me as "that weird gex girl", you will now

i'm still not sure what my Posting Cadence will be like (i currently have a full-time in-office IT job and a 1 year old at home, so free time is fairly limited) but i do have every intention to maintain this place as the most complete archive of my work. i'm even actively working on porting old blogs i've written in other places over the years, so get excited to read some Real Proper Games Writing from Teen Izzy at some point^[4]

i hope you'll like rate subscribe to my RSS feed and follow me on Bluesky^[5] if you're down with the vibes here in the windfucker's^[6] roost. and if you're truly a sicko you could even email me if you want to collab/offer me a job/just say "hi we should be friends".^[7]

The barkeeper turns around and sees Leon sitting at a bar stool in front of him. He looks a bit startled.

"Oh, jeez. Hey Leon. You scared the crap out of me. Didn't your mother ever teach you not to sneak up on people?" he says, preparing one 'usual'.

"Miss Kalinka finds it humorous when I make a quiet entrance. My apologies if I upset you with my antics, barkeep."

The bartender places the drink on the bar and waves to Kalinka as she enters the front door.

"You can call me Jim, you know," the barkeep grunts. "You've been online for a week now and I've seen you every single night of it. I think we've become good enough friends by now to speak on a first name basis."

"You do not have proper permissions to define a new alias. I will continue to refer to you as 'barkeep' until the root user requests that I do otherwise."

Kalinka plops down in the seat next to Leon and picks up her drink.

"Cheers, barkeep!" she shouts before taking a generous swig.

"Oh, I get it," Jim says, sighing in the direction of Leon's 'root user'. "He's messing with me."

"Don't be silly, Jim. He's a robot. He can't 'mess' with people," Kalinka says, already polishing off her first drink.

"He can if you program him to, Kalinka."

"Well, okay. Maybe I did program him to call you barkeep. It's just so funny to hear him say it!"

"Barkeep," Leon says, almost as if on command.

Kalinka chuckles and orders a shot of whiskey.

"How do you get any actual work done when you spend all your time drinking and programming Leon with dumb pranks to amuse yourself WHILE drinking?"

"Come on, now. I don't drink THAT much," she says as she downs the shot. "Besides, I'm way better at my job when I'm trashed. Helps get the creativity flowing. Another!"

Leon turns to Kalinka and places a hand over her glass.

"Miss Kalinka, it may be in your best interest to slow tonight's alcohol intake."

"Oh Leon, you're no fun. Live a little!"

"I am currently as living as will ever be, Miss Kalinka."

Kalinka laughs, implying their back and forth to be a joke of some sort. Jim feels a sense of deja vu come over him.

"You know," Jim ponders, "Leon's warned you to take it easy every single night this week and every single time, you disregard him and continue to inflate your already giant tab."

"What of it, barkeep?" Kalinka asks, defensively. "A woman's allowed to make her own decisions, right?"

"Well, what I don't understand is why you haven't just programmed him to NOT question your judgment every night. Kinda seems like it's ultimately just a waste of battery for him to sing if you're never going to listen."

Kalinka looks over at Leon. She hesitates for just a few moments before turning back to Jim and giving him a big smile. "He's my lab assistant! He's supposed to question my judgment!" Jim sighs, not sure if that was the answer he was looking for.

"No offense to Leon, but wouldn't a human be better suited for a job like that? Someone who actually has judgment of their own to compare against yours?"

"Are you serious? What human with 'good' judgment is going to tell their boss that she's wrong? Besides, you know I don't play nice with others, Jim. Remember that time I came into the bar and some guy was sitting in my seat?"

"Oh, you mean the time you completely skipped the 'politely ask man to move' step of normal social interaction and went directly to the 'kick bar stool out from under man and throw a tantrum' step? No, I don't think I remember that at all, actually."

"You don't? I guess that's not surprising...he did give you a pretty good thump on the head after you tried to defend me!"

Kalinka begins laughing hysterically. She nudges Leon with her elbow and he joins her with a sound clip of generic audience laughter. Jim shakes his head at the absurdity of the situation.

"Too bad you didn't have Leon back then. Military robot like him probably has all kinds of special defense training, right?"

Kalinka suddenly stops laughing and gives Jim a solemn stare. "Robots don't get 'training', they just get programmed to do stuff like that. Don't you know anything about robots?"

"Learnin' more every day. So what kind of special defense 'programming' does Leon have?"

"Get me a refill and I'll tell ya."

Jim slides another drink into Kalinka's hand.

"Thanks." Kalinka sips her drink quietly. Jim waits.

"Well?"

"Oh, Leon doesn't have any stuff like that."

"What?"

"Use your brain, dummy. Do you really think they'd let me take military-grade weaponry out to the local bar?"

"Of course not...I just assumed you snuck him out of the lab each night."

"I do, but that's neither here nor there." Jim smacks his hand against his face.

"I was joking about that 'sneaking out' comment, but thank you letting me know about the questionable legality surrounding the restricted government tech that hangs out in my bar each night."

"Knowledge is power, Jim."

"...I'm walking away now."

"Wait! Come back! I need another drink!"

"Hey, Kalinka...I think you've probably had enough." Jim picks up Kalinka's empty glass and begins cleaning it.

"I think YOU'VE had enough, Jim!" Kalinka pounds her fist on the bar and demands another drink.

"Miss Kalinka," Leon interjects. "I have analyzed your blood alcohol level and it seems to be well past the point at which impaired judgment begins to occur. I must agree with barkeep's assessment. For the sake of your health, it may be wise to conclude today's drinking session."

Just as Leon finishes his warning, a man stumbles past and glances back at Kalinka. "Hey liddle lady," he slurrs. "you should prob'ly lissen to yer boyfriend!"

Kalinka and Jim both stare daggers at the man as he leaves the bar, giggling to himself. Leon ignores the man's comment.

"Are you ready to leave, Miss-"

"Leon," Kalinka scowls. "enter standby mode."

"But, Miss Kalinka..."

"Leon. Standby mode."

Leon reluctantly ceases his warnings. Kalinka stares at him for a moment before sliding her head down to the bar. Jim is paralyzed with fear. Suddenly, Kalinka shoots her head up.

"Man, really wish real men worked like that!" she shouts. "Two words and he shut right up!"

She laughs at an uncomfortably loud level. A few other bar goers turn their heads to see what the commotion is about. Jim is even more afraid to move than before. "Why so quiet all of the sudden, Jimmy? You love it when I embarrass you in your own bar."

Jim tries to find words. "Oh, sorry. There was...uh...a stubborn spot I was trying to get out of this glass."

Kalinka stares intently into his eyes, as if she's trying to decide if that's a valid excuse or not.

"...yeah, okay." She slouches forward in her seat, resting her head on the bar once more.

"Seriously, though. You should really head home for the-"

"Shut up," Kalinka interrupts.

Jim stares at the top of her head, her long hair fanning out over the bar's surface. Before he has a chance to say anything in response, Kalinka addresses the elephant in the room. "You have questions, right? About Leon?"

Jim's muscles tense up. He stares at her robot companion. "What about him?"

"No, not that Leon," she says, acknowledging the direction of his stare without even picking her head up to look. Jim tries to rush her out of the bar once more.

"Kalinka. You really don't need to talk about this. You should go home and-"

She flings her head up once more and stares him down.

"Don't feed me that shit, Jim. I know you're curious. When I came in here a week ago and introduced you to Leon, I could tell you were uncomfortable. You were trying to hide it, but you did a terrible job. I knew right away."

Jim tries to break eye contact, but he's held in place by the intensity of her gaze. "...Kalinka. You don't need to justify-"

"I miss him, Jim. I really and truly do. Did you know? When he kissed me goodbye for the last time, we had just finished having a big fight. I was really pissed about it. Still am. I thought we'd get a chance to talk about it and work out our differences, but he never came back."

"...Kalinka..."

"He died, Jim. He fucking died and left me alone. Left me to feel guilty about that fight. I don't even remember what the fight was about, but I know it was my fault. I was always getting on his case about one thing or another. I can't believe I let him leave like that."

"..."

"You remember him, right? This was his favorite bar. You better fucking remember him."

"Of course I do. He was one of my favorite regulars."

"You were his favorite barkeeper. Always listened to him, right? Listened to him complain about me, I bet."

"Of course not-"

"Shut up. It's my turn to be listened to."

"..."

"This robot...I named him Leon. I named him after my stupid, loser, asshole, wonderful, loving boyfriend. My DEAD boyfriend. It's pretty fucked, isn't it? You think it's fucked, right? Right, Jim?"

"I'm not judging you, Kalinka. I wasn't judging you the first day you brought him in here and I'm not judging you now. You loved him. He loved you. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to keep him beside you."

Kalinka's face twitches and softens for a moment before she finally breaks eye contact. Her head slams against the bar. Jim takes a deep breath, glad that she had finally calmed down.

"You don't get it."

Jim looks down at the top of her head once more. He notices her trembling as she speaks.

"I DON'T want him beside me."

"What?"

"Do you have any idea what it's like to lose someone, Jim? Do you have any idea what it's like to hear their name after they're gone? To be reminded that they were alive once, but no more? Everytime I hear his name... every time I SAY his name...it feels like a knife being thrust right through my chest. It's an unbearable pain."

"Kalinka...if that's how it feels...why did you pick that name?"

Kalinka slams her hands down on the bar and pulls herself up.

"Why did I pick that name?! Why did I name him Leon?! Because I NEVER want to forget that pain, Jim. I NEVER want to forget what it feels like to lose somebody to this FUCKING war. I NEVER want to forget what I'm working toward. I NEVER want anyone else to have to feel this knife cut them so deep." She looks up and Jim sees the tears flowing down her face.

"I'm going to stop the killing with my research, Jim. I'm going to spend every waking moment with Leon's ghost haunting me as a reminder that he DIED to protect me. I will NOT let his sacrifice go to waste. I will NOT let his memory go to waste. I will NOT let my life go to waste. I will NOT!"